Grandma Rules

Nicholas turned one today!

by Glenni Lorick, IBCLC
One year ago today my oldest daughter gave me the most amazing gift ever, my first grandchild! I've thought a lot about this marvelous first year of Nicholas' life. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching my daughter be a mother. I love hearing the little voice she saves just for Nicholas. Her face lights up just talking about him. This year has given me a wonderful new appreciation and respect for her.

Here at A Nurturing Moment I work with a lot of young moms - some younger than my daughter and some older. I see many amazing grandmothers come in with their daughters and grandbabies. Most of the time, the grandmother is incredibly supportive of the daughter.

Sometimes, however, I will see a mom who is truly upset because her mother (or perhaps it's her mother-in-law) doesn't think she's doing a good-enough job. I decided to address this issue with a few "Grandma Rules" because it is heartbreaking for the new mother. She really longs for her own mother's approval. Sometimes it's so bad that the new mother feels she has to put some distance between herself and her mother (or mother-in-law.) That just leads to more hurt feelings, misunderstandings and perhaps ugly words.

Grandma's Role

Whether you like it or not, if you're the grandmother, then your job is to support and encourage the mother. Maybe she isn't doing things the way you would do them. SO WHAT??? This is her baby! You had your turn at being a mother, now it's her turn. She is the expert on her baby, not you! Your job is to support and encourage her. If you disagree with something she's doing, it's fine to gently make a suggestion, but then leave her alone. You raised her to be the woman she is, so have some confidence in her abilities!

After 24 hours of labor, Sarah got her epidural and felt great!

I love my daughter very much, but she certainly is not my clone! We have very different views in several areas:

• Childbirth: I am a huge advocate of natural, unmedicated birth. I had a bad epidural experience and three amazing natural births.  Sarah, on the other hand, was all about getting that epidural. She woke up in labor at 3:00 am on May 1 and had progressively stronger contractions throughout the day. We headed to the hospital around midnight. After a horrible night of labor (with her mother who was there to support her snoring loudly on the pull-out bed next to her), she really needed the relaxation the epidural afforded her. It was her choice, and she had the birth she wanted. I was thrilled for her!
• Breastfeeding: I'm a IBCLC and nursed all my kids at least two years. Sarah wanted very much to breastfeed, but because Nicholas  was 7 weeks premature, they didn't get off to a good start. But boy could she pump! She pumped religiously for him for 4 months. At that point she was just ready to be done. I told her how proud I was of her for giving Nicholas 4 months worth of liquid gold. 



Nicholas was just 3lb. 6oz. when he was born
and spent 5 weeks in the NICU.

• Nighttime Parenting: From the time Sarah was 6 months old (and we discovered Dr. Sears) we co-slept. All of our babies were in our bed and we loved it. Nicholas slept in his parents' room for the first few months after he came home, but then they moved him upstairs to his crib where he slept through the night quite well. There were certainly nights when he was in their room, but he seems to really like being in his crib. My daughter is the expert on her baby and knows what he needs.

Nourish Your Relationships

Grandmothers have several very important relationships to nurture.

Spouse:  The first and most important is with grandpa, if he's in the picture. Those who are blessed enough to have made it 25+ years in their marriage need to continue cherishing and building that relationship.

Child: The next critical relationship is the one with your own child. If your daughter is the new mother, she is probably really longing for your support and affirmation. She needs to know that you think she's doing a good job. Remember when mothering was brand new for you? Remember how uncertain you were? Even when she's grown the most important thing you can give your daughter is unconditional love and affirmation.

I love being with my daughter and grandson!

Maybe you didn't breastfeed, but you can still support her in her decision to nurse her baby. If you feel like she's making lifestyle choices that are truly dangerous (drug use, ignoring her baby, etc.) then you absolutely need to confront her and intervene if necessary. But feeding method and parenting style are NOT in the category of dangerous lifestyle choices.

If your son is the new dad, you need to recognize that your daughter-in-law probably has a special bond with her own mother. Allow her to invite you in; don't push your way in. Be there to support and encourage, but don't try to manage their lives. If you do, you may find that you cause serious damage to your relationship with your son.

Grandchild: This is the fun, wonderful relationship where you get to indulge, love and maybe even

spoil your precious grandchild just a little bit. However, be mindful of the boundaries his parents have set. If his mom doesn't want to start solids until he's at least 6 months, then don't try to sneak in a little rice cereal just because you think he's ready for it. If she doesn't want him to have sugar, then don't give him a cookie when he's at your house. If you make an effort to do things her way and respect her parenting method, it will make things much easier on your grandchild. He won't be confused as he gets older.

Grandbaby snuggles rock!

Don't ever say anything negative about either of his parents - even if they're not together any more. Growing up as a child of divorce is hard enough without having a grandparent spouting venom about one of your parents! Your job as a grandparent is to love your grandchild, give him a safe home away from home, and support his parents in all you say and do!

If you follow these simple "Grandma Rules," you'll find yourself surrounded by children who really appreciate you and grandchildren who absolutely adore you! After all, Grandma Rules!!

NoseFrida Saves the Night!

A couple of nights ago my nine-month old grandson spent the night. Normally he sleeps through the night, but he is having some problems with allergies, and apparently our kitty cats don't help matters. (That's another story...know anybody who wants a sweet cat or two?)

Sweet, peaceful sleep at last!
Thank you NoseFrida!!

He woke up once around 11:30, then again at 1:00. When he woke up the second time, he didn't want a bottle, he just wanted to be held. So I brought him in to our bed where his grandpa and I snuggled him. He fell asleep on my chest, but when I tried to put him back in his bed, he woke right back up. So we decided the only way we were going to get any sleep was to bring him in with us. (I certainly understand why we have our babies when we're younger - at 50+ I don't have nearly the stamina I did at 30!)

He sounded like a lawnmower on a summer Saturday morning.

When her bulb syringe broke open,
Mitzi was appalled!

He fell asleep again on my chest, but he was so congested that he sounded sort of like a lawnmower on a summer Saturday morning - no way you can sleep through that! So I jumped up and fished the NoseFrida out of his diaper bag.

A couple of sucks on the snot sucker, and we had a different baby! He fell into a quiet sleep and did well until about six in the morning! I honestly don't know what we would have done if we hadn't had the NoseFrida. It made the difference between sleep and no sleep in our household that night.

After seeing this picture of a bulb syringe posted by Mitzi Johnson, I was so thankful we had a safer way to clear out N's little nose. Mitzi was about to use this syringe on her son when it broke in two. She says, "I nearly had a heart attack! I'm thankful that it broke! I immediately threw it in the trash after I snapped the photo."

Baby M likes to do it herself!

The wonderful thing about being a grandparent is that you get to love your grandkids, snuggle them, spoil them a little and send them back to mommy.  But you better believe that I will be absolutely certain that the next time N spends the night here, I'll have a NoseFrida handy.

Recently my friend Amanda sent me a picture of her little girl using the NoseFrida. I don't think I've ever seen a child try to suction her own nose with a bulb syringe, but baby M knows that the NoseFrida will make her feel all better!

Would you like to win a NoseFrida? Leave a comment below, and we will be picking a winner on Feb. 28. If you have a NoseFrida story, we'd love to hear it. Be sure to put your email in your comment so we can contact you if you win!

You Can Help Your Breastfed Grandbaby!!

Congratulations! Your daughter or daughter-in-law has chosen to breastfeed your grandbaby, providing the very best start in life! Maybe she is following the example that you set when you breastfed. Or perhaps you didn't breastfeed and are wondering why she has made this decision. Either way, here is what you need to know!

Why Breastfeed?

There are many reasons that mothers decide to breastfeed. Here are just a few:

•  Breastmilk is the ideal infant food. It is perfectly designed to meet all of your grandbaby's nutritional requirements. Furthermore, as he grows, his mother's milk will change to meet his changing needs. It truly is a miracle food. When his mother catches a cold or is exposed to a virus, her body makes antibodies which he receives every time he nurses. That's one reason why breastfed babies are statistically healthier than their formula fed counterparts.
• Breastfeeding is convenient and inexpensive. Your grandbaby's mother has made an economically sound decision by breastfeeding him. She is saving an average of $200 a month in formula costs. Even is she buys a state-of-the-art breast pump and has a lactation consultant come to her home, she will still save at least $1500 during the first year of her baby's life! Furthermore, she can nurse anywhere, any time. She doesn't have to stop to mix formula and make sure it's the right temperature. Breastmilk is always available and always the right temperature!
• Breastfeeding is good for the mother. When she nurses her baby, hormonal cues help her uterus clamp down quickly to avoid excessive bleeding. She will regain her pre-pregnancy figure more quickly, even though she continues eating for two. Furthermore, women who breastfeed for at least a year have a reduced incidence of pre-menopausal breast cancer.  It also offers protection against ovarian cancer and osteoporosis. Finally, the hormones oxytocin and prolactin which make breastfeeding work also help mothers to be more relaxed and to feel more motherly.
• Breastfeeding provides wonderful bonding opportunities. When your daughter or daughter-in-law nurses your grandbaby, she is creating a deep bond with him that only exists between a nursing mother and her child. That doesn't mean that a mother who formula feeds isn't bonded to her child. However, the breastfeeding mother has a hormonal bond that is unlike any other.

What You Need to Know About Breastfeeding (but didn't know to ask...)

• Breastmilk is supplied on a "demand/supply" basis -- the more a baby demands, the more his mother will supply.
• Breastmilk is designed to be absorbed quickly by an infant's intestine. Therefore breastfed babies need to nurse every 2 - 3 hours. A newborn will nurse 8 - 12 times in 24 hours. This is normal. It doesn't mean that he's starving. It means that he is doing what he's supposed to do! 
• In order to make enough milk, Mom needs to get sufficient rest.
• A breastfed baby shouldn't have an artificial nipple or a pacifier until breastfeeding is well established. Some babies may become confused and not nurse correctly when they have something artificial introduced too early.
• Stress or fatigue will affect the mother's ability to produce milk. The hormones involved in breastfeeding are affected by adrenaline which is produced by stress. So it is important to help the new mother remain as stress-free as possible.
• Babies go through growth spurts when it seems like all they want to do is nurse. That doesn't mean that Mom doesn't have enough milk. She just needs to nurse him as often as he needs to nurse. Typical growth spurt times are 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months and 6 months. However, any time a healthy baby starts nursing more frequently, he may be in a growth spurt. Mom needs to rest as much as possible and nurse frequently. A growth spurt may last from 3 to 7 days.
• Breastfed babies don't need any other food until they are 6 months old. When they show signs of readiness for solids, then they can begin. Dr. William Sears has some great advice on this topic.

What You Can Do to Help

 When a grandmother realizes how wonderful breastfeeding is for both her grandbaby and his mother, she will be eager to do all she can to support them both. Remember, that a you can help make or break the breastfeeding relationship. When you encourage your daughter or daughter-in-law in the following ways, you will contribute to her success!

• Protect her privacy. Try to ensure that she gets the rest she needs, especially while she's still in the hospital. If well-meaning friends or relatives want to visit before she's ready, help her husband run interference. In fact, you might suggest to extended family members that they wait until the new family gets home to visit. Make sure you understand the boundaries that she wants enforced ahead of time. 
• Please don't get your feelings hurt if Mom and Dad just want to bond with baby alone during the first hours in the hospital. This is a critical time for getting breastfeeding established. If they ask for it, give them their space. 
• Go to bat for her. If others make negative comments about her breastfeeding, stand up for her. Tell them how proud of her you are. Never indulge in negativity about breastfeeding yourself.
• If you breastfed successfully, tactfully offer your help, but understand if she doesn't want it. Remember that this is all about her and the baby, not about you.
• Offer to help with meals or the house. A great gift would be several months' worth of maid service.
• If she has other children, keep them occupied. This can be their special time with Grandma. Their mother will be eternally grateful to you for making them feel important and freeing her up to focus on the baby.
• If you think she might be having breastfeeding problems, help her find a lactation consultant.

If both sets of in-laws live close to the new parents, both grandmothers can take turns helping. Don't allow your feelings to get hurt if the new mother calls on the other grandmother instead of you for something. However, if in-laws live out of town, then it might be a good idea to plan for the new mother's parents to come first; then the new father's parents can come a little later.

Having a grandbaby is truly a blessing, so make the most of this opportunity! Enjoy every moment with him, but remember that your job now is to support and encourage the new family in every way possible!

Huntsville Hospital NICU Offers Terrific Family Support

My grandson has been in the NICU at Huntsville Hospital for almost two weeks now. It's really hard on his mom and dad because they want so desperately to bring their baby home. However, the incredible support they have received from NICU family support specialist Jennifer Bader has made their experience much less difficult than it might have been otherwise.

NICU family members make T-shirts for their babies. 

Jennifer's job is funded by a March of Dimes grant and the Huntsville Hospital Foundation's Melissa George Fund. She has such a passion for supporting NICU moms because she was a NICU mom herself when her twins were born four years ago in St. Louis. The support and encouragement she received during their NICU stay there buoyed her spirits tremendously. When she moved to Huntsville, she was passionate about giving other NICU moms that same level of support. She worked very hard to bring this program to Huntsville Hospital and is doing a fabulous job there!

Every week she has some kind of special activity for NICU moms. The night after Nicholas was born, family members were invited to make t-shirts for their babies. Over twenty family members showed up to create one-of-a-kind designs for their little ones. However, it wasn't just about making the shirts; it was also about building relationships.

Nicholas' thumbprint necklace

Last week family members were invited to NICU Bingo. Jennifer had created Bingo cards using NICU terms. It was a very creative way to explain many of the NICU policies and procedures in a non-threatening, low-key setting. Prizes included preemie diapers, socks, washclothes, baby journals and a keepsake pillow. Then on Thursday all the NICU mamas were treated to a spa day where they were pampered and made to feel just wonderful!. Each mother received a special gift from her baby, too. Jennifer had created tiny thumbprint heart necklaces. My daughter proudly wore hers to church yesterday and showed off Baby Nicholas' thumbprint. It is a gift she will treasure forever.

This week we're already looking forward to making picture frames for our babies.

Over the years I've spoken with many NICU families. Most have felt very thankful for the terrific care their babies have received. But there has never been the level of parent and family support that now exists. Huntsville Hospital is truly blessed to have Jennifer on board. And parents who have a NICU baby are so fortunate to have a family support specialist like Jennifer to encourage them and make the stay a little easier!

 For more information about NICU family support, you can contact Jennifer at 256-265-7377 or email her at jennifer.bader@hhsys.org.   Local businesses or families are welcome to donate snacks or supplies for the family waiting room and parent hours.