Breastfeeding from a Dad's Point of View

Jason and Madelyn

Today's blog is very special. I really appreciate the time that this dad took to write it. I hope it reaches as many dads as possible!

By Jason Argo, Guest Blogger

The week of February 17, 2011, our daughter Madelyn was born. My wife was hoping to be able to breastfeed Madelyn when she came into this world, and it was a rough road of letdown, after letdown (no pun intended).  From the start, none of the first nurses we had in the hospital wanted to help with the situation, but rather always wanted to  stuff a bottle in our little girl’s mouth. The lactation consultant came in the next morning, but was of no help. She did not really evaluate the baby and did not tell us that Madelyn had a tongue tie, and that was going to make it difficult for her to latch on.

Our nurse that morning, Leah, was like ray of sunshine to the situation. She was so helpful to Amanda, first taking control and getting her physical pain to a manageable level. Then she lit a fire under the nutrition director because Amanda ordered lunch, and 2 hours later it still wasn’t there, but she hated being a burden and didn’t want me to go get it. However, her biggest task of all was guiding in breastfeeding – I do not think she was an IBCLC at that time, but but she offered wonderful nursing support. She also briefly pointed out that Madelyn had a tongue tie. I cannot brag enough on our favorite nurse on the delivery floor of Huntsville Hospital - Leah does an amazing job!  Leah felt the tongue tie needed more evaluation, so she brought the only available IBCLC back to the room which happened to be the same one who initially came in.

She still didn’t touch the baby but instead pointed out everything my wife had done wrong, never anything positive.  “You used a pacifier, the baby is confused.” “You’re sitting with bad posture.” "You’re taking pain medication”. The latter two were unavoidable as my wife has several musculoskeletal conditions that left her in excruciating pain after 18 hours of induced labor, 13 of which were without an epidural, 4.5 with it, and the last 30 minutes when she delivered it had worn off.  Once she started spit-firing all the insults and discouraging statements, Leah took control and told the IBCLC we had it from there and she could leave.

Amanda and Madelyn

Then not long after leaving the hospital, more challenges were flying at Amanda. She faced opposition from her family and mine as well. She would get comments like, "You’re starving her; make her a bottle." Or "Nobody wants to see that;go to another room because you just want to do draw attention to yourself." We also heard this classic line, "Other members of the family want to feed her." None of these things is something a new mother wants to hear, especially coming from family. There were even times where I would unintentionally drop an unsupportive comment. Like most dads, I often have foot-in-mouth syndrome; sometimes I shove it in there up to my knee!

We soon realized though that something was not right when Amanda would try to nurse Madelyn, but she just could not latch. I could not stand to see how much physical pain she was in and how emotionally broken she was over the whole situation. Madelyn was not gaining weight, and this is how we found Glenni at A Nurturing Moment. We came home on Sunday, and by the next Saturday Amanda was in so much pain and so exhausted she was walking through the house like a zombie carrying a can of “just in case” formula the hospital sent home with us.  I was cleaning the kitchen listening to a local Christian radio station and heard an ad for A Nurturing Moment where breastfeeding support was mentioned.  So we called.

Glenni is also another ray of sunshine in this story because she helped in so many ways. She really helped Amanda physically and mentally on some the struggles she was facing. She did everything she could to try to increase Amanda’s supply. She even taught us how to get Madelyn latching the way she needed to be latching.

Amanda always did her best to pump while she was at work but was getting so little. We would move milk back and forth between home, work, and her Mom’s house.  Madelyn suffered from a severe case of silent reflux, never really spitting up, but choking and sputtering and sometimes struggling to breathe, so it was important to us not to have her in a day care with multiple kids per adult. Therefore, we commuted 2 hours each morning and 2 hours each evening to keep her with family.  Most work days we didn’t get home until 9 or 10 PM.  Amanda would take a shower and lie down to nurse the baby while I put away the pumped milk, and I would unpack and load all of her pump parts into the dishwasher.

Each morning I got up long before she did to pack her pump parts into her pump bag and pack snacks for her to eat while she pumped, and then I woke her up so she could nurse the baby while I made and packed our lunches.  Sure, I could have used extra sleep, but it was all worth it because even though we were primarily using formula by 8 weeks, she still got between 2 and 4 ounces of liquid gold every day. Other than the reflux and the occasional reaction to vaccinations, Madelyn did not once catch any cold or get sick at all until a month before she turned 1 when she got an upper respiratory virus.

Even Zeus the dog adores Madelyn!

I write this because men need to realize that if their wives (or significant others) want to
breastfeed the baby, they need to help them breastfeed. To be honest and truthful BREAST IS BEST!!! There are so many things that are put in formula – go read the labels, or open a can and smell it – it even tastes metallic, but there is nothing like mother’s milk. Daddy can do other things to bond with baby like bathtime – make it fun!  Act silly!  Some of the best memories Madelyn and I have when she was a baby are from bathtime!  She’s now almost 5, ask her about the adventures of Soap Monster!

Please, please, I ask the men of the families to encourage  your love to the best of your ability if she is breastfeeding. Don’t let her hide in stalls in the bathroom; don’t let her hide anywhere for that matter. If your child is hungry, your child’s hungry. Don’t run all over God’s creation trying to find a “private” place, because a mom should not be isolated and shamed during a time she deserves to be loved and celebrated. It is a special connection that no one else can have with the child besides mommy, but if daddy is supportive, it grows a special connection between mommy and daddy.

Action Step 2: Fathers and Grandmothers

We're continuing our focus on the Surgeon General's Call to Action to Support Breastfeeding.  Today's focus is one that is near and dear to our hearts. I was blessed to have a husband who was very supportive of my breastfeeding efforts, even in the early days when I was struggling. My mother didn't live close by, but she had breastfed me, and was very encouraging as well.

Today's action step focusing on fathers and grandmothers is found on page 39 of the Surgeon General's document.

Action 2. Develop programs to educate fathers and grandmothers about breastfeeding

A woman’s decision to breastfeed is strongly inluenced by the beliefs and attitudes of her family and friends. Unfortunately, family and friends may discourage a mother from breastfeeding if it is not accepted within their culture. Often, when a mother is thinking about how to feed her baby, she values the advice of her partner the most, followed by the advice of her mother, family, and friends. In fact, she often values their advice more than the advice of health care professionals.

Partners are particularly important because their approval means so much to a mother, and her partner is often a mother’s primary source of support. Although fathers want the best for their family, they may become jealous or resentful or get the feeling that they will not be able to bond with their child if their partner chooses to breastfeed. he baby’s grandmothers are also very influential because mothers who have recently given birth rely on them for support and advice. To make breastfeeding successful, mothers need the support and encouragement of all of these people.

Implementation Strategies 

Launch or establish campaigns for breastfeeding education that target a mother’s primary support network, including fathers and grandmothers. Local campaigns can use print, billboard, radio, and television public service announcements that feature members of a specific population for more effective reach.

Offer classes on breastfeeding that are convenient for family members to attend. Educational materials and classes that are directed toward fathers and grandmothers need to be developed to attract and involve this extended support network. To encourage the participation of family and friends, consideration should be given to involving churches, civic organizations, health clubs, community centers, and schools because these venues may be more accessible than health care institutions. Offering classes during a variety of hours and days also may improve participation.

Getting Involved

At A Nurturing Moment we believe in supporting the entire family unit. We encourage fathers to come to our breastfeeding classes and talk to them specifically about their role in supporting a wife who is nursing a baby. 

We also view grandmothers as very important! This document can be printed and given to any grandmother to help her know how she can help her grandchild receive the optimal nutrition provided by breast milk. Grandmothers are always welcome at our Mommy Milk Meet-up group meetings. If you need us to give Grandma some special encouragement, just let us know, and we'll be happy to help! We are looking at beginning a Grandparents Class. Let us know how you think that would go over. We'd love your input!

Happy Father's Day

At A Nurturing Moment we really appreciate our dads! I know it seems like we're always focusing on moms and babies, but we recognize that dads are critically important. A good father is a stabilizing presence in his child's life and serves as a role model for both sons and daughters.

John Ward Willson IV

This is my first Father's Day without my Daddy. He passed away in May after a nearly 2 year struggle with Parkinson's disease. But he was the most amazing, incredible, wonderful man I have ever known. I wish every little girl everywhere could say that about her daddy! My parents divorced when I was just 2. But my dad was an important part of my life until I was about 7. Then there was an ugly custody battle between my father and my maternal grandparents. The upshot was that my mother and I disappeared and I didn't see my dad again until I was 15.

I'll never forget the morning he drove back into my life. I was walking down the hill to the bus stop at about 6:45. A car pulled up alongside me, and my father said, "Glenni, is that you?" I recognized him immediately and couldn't believe he was really there. I had written a letter trying to find him, but it had been several months. He drove me to school, then we went to dinner that night (with my mother's blessing - she never minded me seeing him...it was just my grandmother who hated him.)  That summer I spent some time with him, and we began to rebuild our relationship. I got to know my little brothers, and always looked forward to seeing them.

Nevertheless, my grandmother had done a great job of brainwashing me against him. She had convinced me he wanted to harm me. It wasn't until 10 years later when my dad took Keith, me and my brothers on a trip to Europe that I truly felt secure with him. I tripped on the steps in the Paris subway and fell, twisting my ankle. My dad picked me up in his arms and carried me the rest of the way to the train. From that moment on, I never doubted how deeply and incredibly he loved me.

My dad was loved by people he had met around the world. He worked in the travel industry until he was well into his eighties. He was a gentleman through and through. After he died we received messages from people in at least 12 different countries commenting on his character, his hospitality, and his amazing work ethic.

I hope today is a special day for each of our ANM families. Take time to celebrate your dad if he's living. If there are barriers, tear them down before it's too late. Then make sure your kids celebrate their Daddy. We want to help make the celebration a little sweeter, so we're offering a $10 Starbucks gift card to one lucky dad! Just post a picture of Dad with one or more of your little ones on our FB page, then leave a comment here letting us know you did that! We'll pick a winner on Friday!

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Christmas with the In-laws (or outlaws....)

Christmas is a wonderful time of the year. I am blessed to have a great relationship with my in-laws, but having a lot of extended family at Christmas can be just a bit stressful. It can be especially difficult if you're breastfeeding and your mother-in-law thinks you should "just give that baby a bottle..."

Over the last few years, I've had more than one new mother crying in my office because of holiday stress compounded by in-laws who don't respect her parenting style. If this sounds like you, then get your hubby and sit down together for 3 minutes while you read and discuss the following tips for dealing with Christmas with the extended family.

1. Boundaries are critically important. And Dad is the best one to set them, especially if his family is the one who's giving you a hard time. You don't want to hurt feelings, but it's very important to explain in unconditional terms that you are breastfeeding your baby. Any comments or behaviors that undermine this relationship will not be tolerated.
2. Stress can cause problems with letdown, plugged ducts, and lead to a reduced supply. Therefore, do all you can to reduce stress during the holiday season.
3. If you are a guest in someone's home, and they aren't comfortable with your breastfeeding, try as much as possible to plan your baby's feeds around mealtime and other important family moments. Maybe you can feed baby a little early before he gets very hungry. If not, then Dad needs to run interference while you slip off to nurse.
4. If you're in your own home and your guests aren't comfortable with your breastfeeding, you have a couple of choices. You can either nurse discreetly with a cover, or Dad can play host while you excuse yourself to feed your baby. You need to do whichever is more comfortable for you. Remember Tip #1!
5. If your mother or mother-in-law is causing your hurt, she might benefit from reading the blog Grandma Time. If she has specific questions or concerns about breastfeeding, this article might be helpful.
6. Remember that YOU are the expert on your baby, not your mother-in-law or even your mother...even if she is a pediatric nurse! Follow your gut and kindly but firmly stick to your guns.

If you have tips that have worked for you, please leave a comment....your tips will help another mom! We wish you a very Merry Christmas full of Nurturing Moments with your family!

Daddy's Role in Breastfeeding

Image: Louisa Stokes / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I teach a breastfeeding class, I always ask the dads to come, too. It's really important for Dad to be there for several reasons. The most obvious one is that Dad is the most important support person for his wife. He needs to know how breastfeeding works. Since pregnant women tend to have "Mommy Brain," Dad may remember some points that Mom forgets. But there are several other really important things that Dad can do to help make breastfeeding successful.

1. Dad can get a better view of baby's latch than Mom can. I teach Dad to look for flanged lips and a deep latch.
2. Dad can help make sure that baby has a good suck/swallow ratio. He can watch the sucks and listen for swallows. The ratio should be 1:1 or 1:2. 
3. He can help Mom with things like suck training and syringe feeding if necessary.
4. He can make sure that Mom gets the 2400 calories that she needs every day and make sure that she drinks plenty of water.
5. He has the very important responsibility of protecting Mom from too many visitors and/or relatives who aren't supportive of her breastfeeding efforts.

Dad is going to stay very busy! The wonderful book by Dr. Robert Sears and his brother, Dr. James Sears, Father's First Steps makes a great gift for any expectant dad. Their list of 25 things that every new father should know will further help Dad be a terrific breastfeeding father! 

If your husband was a terrific breastfeeding father, leave a comment telling just how he supported you. A great dad deserves some special recognition!

Good Daddies

It's hard being a new parent. That may be the understatement of the year!! We usually focus on the tough adjustment that Mom has to make, but Dad faces some pretty serious changes, too! I love it when couples come in for a consultation together. I love to see fathers who are supportive and head-over-heals in love with both mom and baby. One couple I saw recently stood out because Dad was so concerned about every detail of Mom's breastfeeding. He called me several times after the consult with additional questions and was so appreciative of the support we were providing their family.

 That's why it is so painful for us to see fathers who aren't supportive. When Dad is so concerned about getting his sleep, about getting Mom back to work, about having us "fix things" so they can leave quickly, it really raises some red flags. New moms are experiencing some dramatic hormonal changes, and it's normal for them to feel a little weepy. But woe to the BAD DAD who is the cause of his wife's tears! I wish we could wave a magic "Be Kind to Your Wife" wand, and help fathers like that learn to support their wives. Unfortunately, we don't have a magic wand like that, so sometimes we end up just crying with Mom!

 I think every expectant father should be required to read Father's First Steps: 25 Things Every New Dad Should Know by Robert Sears and James Sears. Thing 7 that every new dad should know is "You Are Part of the Breastfeeding Team." If every father could just understand how critical his support is to his wife's breastfeeding success, our job as lactation consultants would be so much easier! Men who read this book (which is available at A Nurturing Moment) will have a head start on understanding how to be a really good daddy. So if you know a father-to-be, do his wife a favor, and get him a copy of this amazing little book!